Forty Days and Forty Nights

The first thought that struck me in Publix this morning was that the woman pushing her cart toward me must be part of some off-shoot of the Manson Family. Oh yeah, it's Ash Wednesday. How could I forget? Easy . . . I've been going to my new church on a VERY irregular basis. It's not because I don't like the vein of faith that I've practiced for my 39 years anymore. I love being Episcopalian. I love receiving Holy Communion and taking comfort in the fact the Lord my God is awashing and renewing my soul. For some unknown reason, I just haven't been feeling it in that setting for quite some time. About three years ago, I lost my childhood church and my second home. I cried myself to sleep every night for countless nights. I can place the blame on so many different things but the truth is, that lost feeling started a while before my church was in turmoil. I really can't pinpoint when it started to sprout its roots but I can recall the day like it was yesterday when, to me, the straw broke the camel's back.

No matter, I haven't lost faith . . . my second home has always been wherever I find Him. Even though I was taken off guard by the ashes on that woman's forehead, I've been thinking about Lent for days. I've read so many things online asking "What are you giving up for Lent?" I know this is a time of sacrifice but how many times can I say, "I'm giving up salt. I'm giving up biting my nails. I'm giving up chocolate." Really, does God care how fat I am or how short my nails are or how high my blood pressure is? I know, I know . . . my body is a temple. I try, isn't that good enough? Doesn't He care more that I am a good person who doesn't intentionally hurt other people, who looks meaningfully for forgiveness when I do, who tries to do the right thing even when I want to do the easy thing and gives others the benefit of the doubt even when it seems that I shouldn't? I believe He does. 

The Easter season is a difficult time for me -- especially Maundy Thursday. I haven't been able to attend that service since I was a teenager (the least of the reasons being that I would make a complete sobbing spectacle of myself.) 

My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Matthew 27:46 

I think I know exactly how that must have felt -- being in such anguish, feeling so alone and wondering how much longer something had to be endured.  There was a time in my life when I truly believed that He had abandoned me. I know now that he was preparing me for something. Thirty years later and I still don't know what for but now it doesn't matter so much anymore. I don't feel the need to know the reason, I just know it is there. Maybe it is to be a better mother, maybe it is to be nicer to people, maybe it is to be patient with others, maybe it is for something that hasn't even happened yet. I may never understand until I kneel before Him -- but I am eternally grateful to Him for the life I have today. 

On the Holiest of Thursdays He also said, 

Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," Matthew 27:46

I must admit I do not literally ask God to forgive someone for their words or actions but I do try to show them understanding and empathy (not necessarily sympathy -- I'm not claiming to be otherworldly!) I feel like this is the one passage that can be applied anytime we are feeling slighted by someone, feel insignificant or wonder what in Sam Hill is going on in the world.

Ok, I've gotten deep enough for one night. The whole point is what I'm going to sacrifice for Lent.

I do not believe that any of us can truly understand the sacrifices that the Father and the Son made for each of us. But I do think ONE of the things that the Lenten Season demonstrates to us is the meaning of putting others first and emphasizing their significance in our lives. This season, I vow to nurture my children more, TRY to stop my annoyance at their normal, adolescent male-centric behavior. I pledge to be more attentive to my husband and instead of being irritated that he does not automatically know what I want and need, I will tell him -- and make him listen. I will be kinder to my parents and love them as unconditionally as they love me. As my grandparents grow older, I will recognize how fortunate I am to know them, have my children know them and to shower them with the same love and affection that they have bestowed upon me. I will cherish my friends. I will lift all of them up to You. It is true that we always neglect those that we love and that love of us the most.  My Lenten vow is to give up my neglect.